I have come to the realization that after being a temporary resident of Luxembourg for the past three months, I feel like even more of an outsider now than I did when I first came here. At first, this realization shocked me. Did I really just write that? I thought to myself as I re-read the sentence I had typed into the notes section of my iPhone. Yes, I did write it, and I knew it to be true. I knew it to be true because I felt it, to my very core. I feel like even less of a European citizen now than I did during my first week.
I think that this stems from my many futile attempts to assimilate over the past few months. As has been the discussion of most of my blog posts, I am here as a visitor. I do not share the same innate culture or upbringing as those who were born and raised here. Thus, I cannot simply join in on their lives; I am different by nature. It would be the same if they were to come to my home in Midwestern America and attempt to pass as Americans. There are so many nuances that have shaped me into the twenty-year-old American female that I am, and those nuances have meshed together and created this persona, this aura of being in me that makes me who I am. This identity cannot change over the course of four months, and it will not change.
However, I have been here for a while, so isn't it logical that I would feel a little more at home now than before? After all, I've been living among real Luxembourgish people; eating their food, discussing their politics, attending their concerts and perusing their galleries and sitting in their coffee shops and scouring their bookshelves. I have been assimilating. I haven't kept to myself; I've been out there, exploring, learning, participating. How can I possibly feel so far from them?
It's simple: my extended time here has reveled to me what I shared in the last post: I will never be a "real" Luxemburger, because of the social and linguistic contingencies that have been crafting my persona since my birth. My time here has not allowed me to become Luxembourgish but rather it has highlighted my foreignness: I can't speak Luxembourgish, but I can communicate with basic French. This has gotten a bit better since my arrival, but it is still not my first language. I have gained some understanding of the culture here, but I am still completely Americanized. I still go to school with 120 other American students, read the American news, keep in contact with American people via social media, cook myself American meals and speak English whenever possible.
Perhaps if I was completely cut off from all things American, I would have been able to be better assimilated as a Luxemburger. Perhaps, if I was the only one like me, I would have been forced to become like those around me. Even if this were so, however, I would still struggle. Four months would still go by and I would be undeniably of American origin. But I think I would be less so.
I think that this stems from my many futile attempts to assimilate over the past few months. As has been the discussion of most of my blog posts, I am here as a visitor. I do not share the same innate culture or upbringing as those who were born and raised here. Thus, I cannot simply join in on their lives; I am different by nature. It would be the same if they were to come to my home in Midwestern America and attempt to pass as Americans. There are so many nuances that have shaped me into the twenty-year-old American female that I am, and those nuances have meshed together and created this persona, this aura of being in me that makes me who I am. This identity cannot change over the course of four months, and it will not change.
However, I have been here for a while, so isn't it logical that I would feel a little more at home now than before? After all, I've been living among real Luxembourgish people; eating their food, discussing their politics, attending their concerts and perusing their galleries and sitting in their coffee shops and scouring their bookshelves. I have been assimilating. I haven't kept to myself; I've been out there, exploring, learning, participating. How can I possibly feel so far from them?
It's simple: my extended time here has reveled to me what I shared in the last post: I will never be a "real" Luxemburger, because of the social and linguistic contingencies that have been crafting my persona since my birth. My time here has not allowed me to become Luxembourgish but rather it has highlighted my foreignness: I can't speak Luxembourgish, but I can communicate with basic French. This has gotten a bit better since my arrival, but it is still not my first language. I have gained some understanding of the culture here, but I am still completely Americanized. I still go to school with 120 other American students, read the American news, keep in contact with American people via social media, cook myself American meals and speak English whenever possible.
Perhaps if I was completely cut off from all things American, I would have been able to be better assimilated as a Luxemburger. Perhaps, if I was the only one like me, I would have been forced to become like those around me. Even if this were so, however, I would still struggle. Four months would still go by and I would be undeniably of American origin. But I think I would be less so.